i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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