he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
