dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
