She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
