so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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