life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
