My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
