You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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