i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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