I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
