If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
im holly from the hills drunk
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
