the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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