Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
