I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
