My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
