You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
