pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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