Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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