youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
