And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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