I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
