i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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