First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
