Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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