I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
