i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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