The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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