Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
