I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
