i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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