I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
