i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
