Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
