i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
