my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
