Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
