Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
