who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
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