i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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