I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
