I just saw a hot homeless man
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
