Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
