the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
