you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
