dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
i think im in europe. pls send help
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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