i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
