So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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