It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
COCAINE IS GR8
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
