I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
