Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
