I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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