My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
