the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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