My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
This gyro tastes like lonliness
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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