Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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