Please, let me fuck your mom
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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